My Thought Train

You've got my heart in a headlock.
You stopped the blood and made my head soft.
You've got me sewn.

This song reminds me of solitary bus rides to school back in 07.

Thank you for spending your precious time with me today.
Your time, and you, mean more than the world to me.
Don't ask if I miss you.
It shows on my face.

Should you feel your strength falter,
Reach out to me.
I'll steady your hand,
And hopefully, steady your soul.

Had the shortest, and one of the most vivid nightmares I have ever had.

I let my eyes close in the train just now.
Suddenly the train collided into something in front and the impact was so freaking impactful(for lack of a better word, sorry, my brain's burnt) that it exploded. I was sitting in the front cabin and I saw innards splattering, before I became splattered innards myself.

Then I woke up. Yeah.

?

I gotta get myself a backpack or something. Carrying a heavy tote is wreaking havoc on my already ravaged shoulders.

I'm still a tad lost really.
I'm trying to be the upward Piscean but, it's a tad harder than I thought.

A big fuck you to public holiday crowds.

And a bigger fuck you to banglas who do not appreciate the meaning of personal space. Stop staring, it's considered to be universally rude. And here, we have at least, at the very damn least, 12 INCHES of what we call PERSONAL MUHFUCKING SPACE.

Operation Fuck You Ciggs : 3 sticks today.

An average cigarette takes away 5 to 20 minutes of your life.

Already, cigarettes have taken away approximately 35 days, perhaps more, of my life. That's slightly over a month. Since I started, I have stubbed out estimatedly 4,200 cigarette butts.

There's nothing like cold, hard numbers to wake you up.

Every 8 seconds, a person loses his or her life directly, or indirectly due to smoking. 5 million people die every year, all around the world, due to smoking.

Nicotine reaches the brain within ten seconds after smoke is inhaled. Just one cigarette has the ability to adversely affect your body, from head to toe.

I might not be able to conceive. Even if I do, my children are at risk of deformity, or even having their life taken away seconds before or after birth.

A cigarette filter might look and feel like cotton, but it is actually made of very thin fibers of plastic. An average cigarette filter can take from 18 months to 10 years to decompose.

Tobacco use is expected to claim a billion lives this century.

If I don't stop, I might be one of them.

Why are we still in denial?

Why do we condone a lifestyle that will eventually claim us in the end?

I will not let this addiction consume me any longer. Goodbye nicotine, you have been a good companion, but it's time you keep that knife you've been sharpening.

Please.

I'll beg if I have to.

A serious moment of realisation is all it takes.

I realise one of my biggest mistakes is that I tend to look back to the past and think, "Gosh, I miss those times." And sometimes I think, "Why can't it be like that now?"

This method of thinking is what prevents me from being perceptive to what surrounds me in the present. I focus all my attention on what is not there, and neglect to open my eyes to what is already in front of me.

If I continue my obstinance and ignorance, I will destroy what I have carefully built and ultimately destroy myself.

I did not realise that what we go through now will make us come out as better people in the future. Present struggles will make way, perhaps for future struggles, but if I do not accept and forge through the struggles with an open heart and mind, the path we tread will always be blurry and uncertain.

One of my horoscope traits is that, I am easily affected by emotion. This cannot be more true. Emotion is ingrained in me as sure as the stars are ingrained in the sky. However, I need to overcome misplaced emotions often surfacing at the times when I most need to be clear-headed. Admittedly, I cry very easily. I cry when I am angry, when I am frustrated, when I am sad. Sometimes even when I am truly happy.

But what is the point in making myself miserable, when there really is no need to be miserable at all? How are all these tears I shed going to help me solve anything?

I have been selfish, to the point that I am blind to my own selfishness. Often I wonder what I do wrong, but really, if I had been less self-absorbed I would not even have to wonder in the first place.

I can't afford to let my heart rule my head anymore.

I just need you to tell me you love me. And that you miss me.
Even though words might not mean that much to you.
I just need you to hold me.
My heart just needs a sign, from time to time.

TOMORROW FIRST CRIT -bites fingernails-

For once, I will manage to complete, by far, my most expensive assignment ONE day before submission! Tomorrow I will print the jacket, slip case, put it all together and voila! Submission complete. One lovely day before submission. GAWD the feeling is... indescribable.

I hope it's all worth the horrendous torturous shoulder aches (they're gettting worse) and stressed up moments.

I couldn't have done it without you love. You being there for me through it all, pushing me, guiding me, is so much more than I can ask for <3

Going to give my brain and shoulders some Zen time. Toodles.

Panicking because Crit Numero Uno for Final Projecto is on Monday. And I haven't prepared a single shit for the presentation. GOD HELP ME. I've been so consumed with Publication Design that I totally neglected (okay, not really totally, but you know what I mean) FYP.

And I don't really like presentations. Despite my fondness of talking, talking aloud in front of lecturers is not my cup of tea.

My shoulder blades have been aching chronically for the past week. It really hurts. Imagine somebody whacking your back with a bamboo pole for five minutes. Then imagine the after effect. The pain's something like that.

Sigh. I wonder if I went to Pasir Laba Camp now and throw a damn huge bitch fit, they'll let Syafiq out and let him go home.

I swear Syafiq looks damn cute in his army uniform. Bahahaha plus his dorky haircut some more! CUTE CUTE CUTE

Stupid Facebook. I need my Bejewelled fix now. And it's refusing to load.

Okay back to schoolwork. Turrah!

You don't know how scared I am of even the faintest prospect of losing you.

- - -

I decided to take a trip down memory lane, and read my old blog. The one before my LJ.

I read it, and I feel like I'm reading somebody else's blog. Well, not entirely somebody else's, I know it was me who wrote all that, but I actually felt like I departed from that stage in my life a long time ago. And I feel awash with nostalgia. I can't quite describe the feeling in its entirety, but it's a mixture of profound amazement at how life turns out, mild shock at how fast a span of few years escape me, and genuine gratitude for how it's like right now.

I feel like I'm watching reruns of my life post-O Levels, and marveling at what a confused state I was in.

And a brief brush with the future, which is now. Like I mentioned before, I can never cease to be amazed by the intricacies of serendipity.

ALRIGHT FIQ BACK TO YOUR SCHOOLWORK.

If only I could close my eyes and see myself as a composition of all my thoughts and characteristics in physical layers. If only I could then remove all the ignorance, the selfishness, the stupidity and the baggage and burn it all away. I'd watch the ashes fly into another realm from which they can never return.

I would then organise and arrange my thoughts into even, straight layers.

And then maybe, maybe, I could be a better person I know is somewhere in there.

It's weird, stepping into school for the first time in 3 months?

Two wonderful nights of fun, and giggling and general woohoo-ness. Can we repeat it please? Never mind the sore throat and headaches, repeat it repeat it repeat it.

Baby it's time we give something new a try
- No I In Threesome, Interpol
Wink wink. Hee.

I MISS YOU BABY

This will be the last time I will be blogging on this very laptop, on this very desk, in this very office, in this very building, in this place in SIngapore called Bukit Merah because I only have 1 and a half hours left to my SIP! LIKE ZOMGZ PEOPLE

I'm having a bitch of a headache though. Halp.

Anyhoo, chalet plans are thwarted because I have a FYP briefing on Monday at bloody 3pm wahlau and I have to do AddDrop for one elective. BODOH

BAIK AH START SEKOLAH TENGOK MUKA PAT

Haha k bye

All the pretty visitors came and waved their arms,
and cast the shadow of a snake pit on the wall.

I am positively in love with Humbug.

Desserts galore at my place! I just wolfed down this cheesecake parfait thing with mango, strawberry and crumbles, with added chocolate shavings on top, courtesy of me. Heh.

6 tiramisu in the fridge, waiting, calling my name.

LAST TWO DAYS OF MOTHERFUCKING INTERNSHIP.
Hahaha. I see mother ship, and fucking intern in there.

And for the last two days, I feel the goddamned laziest to go.

I swear I am freaked out. I am going to stay off horror movies for now.

Nothing happened to me, don't worry, but something did happen to Syafiq, in my neighbourhood! I always prided my neighbourhood on being relatively spook-free, having lived here since I was in primary school, except that one time I went jogging (but that's another story for another day) in the middle of the night. But yesterday I got really spooked.

Let's backtrack a bit yeah?

On Saturday, Syafiq had the brilliant idea of having a movie marathon at his place. Bobo and Yana came over, and we bought lotsa snacks and stuff (Sheng Siong is cheap snack haven, I bought 2 Super Ring, 1 Prawn Crackers, and all time fave Dewberry all for 3 bucks! ONLY!), and armed ourselves with downloaded movies haha! So we decided on Blair Witch Project, since I haven't watched it. I got freaked out. Seriously.

You don't really see anything scary in there, but the idea of the whole thing drives me nuts. Plus if you have an overly active imagination like mine coupled with a general chicken-ness for things like this, BAM! FREAKOUT! Especially the part where they were camping and they heard children laughing outside their tent. And the 'gifts' that were left for them, the pile of rocks, the bundle of twigs with something bloody in the middle. BRRR.

Then we watched The Village. Not as scary as the previous movie, but Syafiq kept screaming suddenly just to scare me, and he and Bobo found it hilarious that my scream followed Syafiq's scream in pitch and length. I like how the word 'farce' was used. It's so, not typical movie language. It's almost Shakespearian.

THEN we watched 40 Hari Bangkit Pocong (or something like that, it means 40 Days, Rise of Pocong hahaha I SO cannot work as a subtitler I SUCK). I screamed like a banshee during this one. It was DAMN BLOODY SCARY. I think because it's close to the heart, despite the crude makeup and special effects, it still managed to scare the shit out of all four of us. Me and Yana were screaming like we've never screamed before. I was actually braver than before, I ventured to actually watch the movie and SEE what's going on, rather than obscuring most of my sight with a pillow like I used to do.

I don't know if I regret doing that, because I was certainly satisfied in terms of being scared, but now the scenes keep replaying in my head and everytime I'm in the toilet there's a rising fear in my throat and I keep fighting the urge to run out. And my imagination is getting the better of me. Thank God I didn't get any nightmares.

Then we decided to quit the horror and watched Problem Child and The Ugly Truth.

Back to the incident on Sunday night. We reached home abit later than usual, around midnight. Syafiq waved at me from the block in front, and I didn't sense anything amiss. It was normal, just that I was subconsciously acutely aware of the time and how late it already was. I know, midnight? It's not that late compared to how late we used to go home when I was having holidays or when I could still do regular closings. I don't know, I just had that niggling feeling.

Then I texted Syafiq asking whether he was still in the bus. He said yes, and he said there was an old lady following him. I was like, WTF!!!

He said she was staring at him all the way, and now she was sitting directly behind him in the bus. He already called his Dad to wait for him under the block.

He got home safe and sound, thankfully, and he told me the whole story on MSN. Apparently after he waved at me, he felt somebody was staring at him. He turned to his right and saw an old lady staring at him from the far end of the corridor (which is near the woods at the side of my estate). He went to sit at the busstop, and he suddenly realised that the old lady was sitting the busstop, on the other set of seats. She was wearing a red baju kurung, had a haggard face, but had black, straight long hair.

At this point I was starting to get really freaked out, when suddenly my curtain decided to skydive on me. Haha! I usually leave my bedroom window open at night and I bundle the curtains up on the window grilles to make my room more airy. The curtain suddenly fucking fell ah. I was like WTF my heart was at my throat and I quickly closed my window.

The old lady sat directly behind him and when he got off the bus, he walked damn fast and didn't dare turn back. His Dad saw the old lady following him, but when she saw his Dad, she turned around and walked away.

NO MORE FUCKING HORROR MOVIES FUCK.

I'm still freaked out. Cos she was from my neighbourhood. Though I've never seen an old lady with long straight black hair before. I don't want to either.

Ok bye.

I will be brutally honest with you, and tell you that your hurt is mine. Even if I might not understand why or how, or I do not know how to correct the wrong, or abdicate all your problems, I understand hurt and pain. Perhaps I am too prone to letting my emotions take over, but having almost lost you once is unbearable. You are a part of my heart that has been welded in molten steel, never weathering or wavering. And I would like it to stay that way.

Bad dreams leave me shaken. I don't like bad dreams.

. . .

The coffee from Macs smell alot like House Blend. It's like a little cup of sunshine spilling out in my dreary office.

I am inspired, and I would like to draw but the boss is in. Bah.

Good morning, it is Friday, and I have five days left to my SIP. God loves us all.

. . .

Time will bring acceptance. My father extended my boyfriend a not-so-formal invitation to the mothership for a Raya visit.

I know. LIKE WHOA.

Haha. Let me elaborate.

Yesterday he sent me home, just like the many days before, and the many days to come. I saw my parents walking under the block from the carpark at the side of the block, after their nightly trips of fetching and sending home workers. We were walking along the main road. This is a distance of approximately 100m. They saw us eh.

Eagle eyes, my parents have.

So we parted ways innocently enough by waving goodbye, no physical contact whatsoever. I walked slowly, hoping they would have gone up home, but they were waiting for me at the staircase. Cue ominous music. I tried to keep it upbeat and gave them a stupid grin. I think it worked. They weren't angry! WOWZA

The following dialogue ensued:

Mum: Kesian budak tu, balik sorang. (The poor boy, going home alone.)

Me: HAHA (HAHA okaaayyyy)

Mum: Kau bully anak orang eh! (You bully people's children eh!)

Me: *whut* Uh. No, I never. (nerves got to my grammar and coherence)

Dad: -silence- (Death Glare Number 1)

- three of us traipse up the staircase -

Dad: (Death Glare Number 2) (while unlocking the door) Asal dier tak datang raya? (Why does he not come visit for Raya?)

Me: -stunned- Never ajak what? (Cos you didn't invite him?)

Mum: Nak kena ajak ke baru datang? (Must invite then come meh?)

Me: -stunned, but kinda happy in a sense-

Dad: Bilang dier bapak aku personally invite. (Tell him my Dad personally invite.)

Me: -silenced-

This, my readers, are a huge leap improvement in my parents' behaviour! I went to my room grinning from ear to ear. Hear that baby? Haha. Don't be paranoid, my parents are not Jedi, they will not engage in a lightsaber duel with you. Neither are they from the Mafia, and will not lock you in their room, shine a lamp in your face but not before slapping you around a bit, and ask you damning questions. Neither are they religious extremists who will ask you to recite verses from the Quran from memory and quiz you on the Prophet's personal life.

My parents are really nice, warm people, despite my father's withering Death Glare and Moustache of Doom, and my mum's Sonic Scream.

So yes, all is well and ends well, hopefully.