My Thought Train

I'm sick of my job.

I'm sick of always getting closing shifts. I'm sick of coming into every shift and having to put the store back together and make sure everything's alright. I'm sick of the paltry pay. I'm sick of dealing with stupid, rude or obnoxious customers. I'm sick of giving a shit.

I feel empty coming to work. I don't feel anything anymore, not even the slightest joy when I put on the apron. It disgusts me, having to fake a smile when my heart is somewhere else.

I have neglected this LJ for tumblr. Yeah well I'm sorry tumblr appeals to the closeted hipster in me, where I can check out what other hipsters are wearing/listening to/shitting on. And then I'll think Man she's cooler than I am I'm going to rip my jeans some more, or I'm going to pose with my elbows skewed out, hmm maybe let's grab abit of hair, OH NO WAIT lemme just obscure my face a tiny bit with my messy hair. Yeah, that's about it.

Haha. In case you couldn't tell, LookBook pisses the shit out of me.

I am staying at home today because well tomorrow is Hari Raya, and daughter duties call. I was helping my Mum cook rendang and sambal goreng (an extreme challenge when you're trying to hide hickeys on your neck) and I got berated for not knowing the difference between sengkuang/lengkuas/serai/fuckelse. And also for only knowing the English names of everything. Lemongrass for example.

WELL. Is it wrong now to be eloquent in English? You can tell my mum thought, for a minute there, why don't I have a anak dara melayu terakhir who knows her sengkuang from her lengkuas, instead of one who spots my grammatical errors?

Sorry Mum. Grammatical errors should not happen, ever.

Wait, I don't even know if sengkuang is the proper word for it Hahahaha okay.

I was thinking of doing vlogs. Not sure yet. Thinking!

What does this all matter?

I hate this feeling. I hate myself for this non-feeling.

I would like to disappear for a day, be non-existent, to never be known. I would like to take a long walk anywhere and everywhere and enjoy solitude in its essence.

It's funny. It really is. I'm naturally an indecisive person. Sometimes it's dumb how uncertain I can be.

Anyway. I never thought this day would come to an end but it did. HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF

Now that Digital Illustration's out of the way, I can finally, finally give my all for FYP. Just one more month and freedom is mine to make love to. Haha

I guess freedom is all I really need. I hate being suffocated, I hate being tied down. If you know me well, you know I'd give anything for utter and complete freedom. But then again freedom might mean I get lost sometimes. Solid ground does me good, but it's in the vastness of the ocean and skies that I find solace in.

What one does not know, will not hurt oneself.

They say knowledge is power. I say it's dangerous.

Smoking the leftover half of your Winston Red in my room is the closest thing I can get to embracing you when you're far away in Queenstown.

It's okay. Soon you'll be a walking distance from me baby.

Yong, my Course Manager, also the man who reinstated me back into school: WOMAN! WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THESE TWO WEEKS??

Haha love him he is hilarious.

(with a smile) I am warning you ah. Last warning. You go missing again, and that's it.

Sometimes I love these people, sometimes I hate their guts.

They're playing the guilt card on me. Hoping that I'll be so overwhelmed with remorse that I'll actually start taking this seriously. And it's working. Haha. I thought I couldn't feel guilt, but apparently I can, no matter how slight. It's there.

I'm going to burn these next few weeks. Hope I'll come out fine.

Ugh. Headache. UGH Digital Illustration UGH UGH UGHHHHHH

I'm eating an oatmeal raisin cookie dipped in white chocolate frosting. Yum.
Sigh *dreams of baking*
I've got so many recipes in mind that I wish could materialise in the oven at home but I have no bleeding time.

12th August spells Doomsday for me. Critique 3, and deadline for Digital Illustration. Wtf is with conjunctive submissions? Wtf guys? SUKE TENGOK AKU STRESS HA? SUKE?

Ok back to work.

There are some days when I just sit down and wonder, wtf am I doing here?

Honestly, I barely feel anything anymore. I don't feel the motivation I'm supposed to feel to do things I'm supposed to do. The funny thing is, I have so many hopes and dreams, yet there is something in me, or perhaps a lack thereof, that fails to push myself to make those dreams come true.

I don't know what's wrong.

Sometimes when life takes you by the hand, all you have to do is let it lead you.

Or is it?

I don't know really.
It's all happening too fast.